This is John Morris’ diary in Europe last year. It tells you three things, John is the whitest person to ever live, Gian is a thug and I am mentally disturbed.
Arby and Gian arrived at Amsterdam airport drunk, got train to…
Checked into hostel, went and smoked, wandered round red light district, went to bed, room incredibly hot and some cunt snored absurdly loudly. Arby photographed a sleeping roommates’ vagina.
Got up, spent five hours finding brekky, booking train tickets, and shaving heads. Had lunch, Arby ate half a gram and then, needing a shit, snuck into the Renaissance hotel, nice fancy toilets, the Dalai (Arby) moisturised and washed his head.
Ran into a guy with a potted plant on his head who kept saying ‘fuck America’. He removed his shirt and headed into shops to find a pen so we could draw fuck America on him. We took this opportunity to peg it away from this crackhead.
Walked down to Anne Frank House, Westerkerk, and the flower market, then back through Dam Square to the hostel. Headed out to watch Italy-Germany in a nearby coffeeshop. It was some good shit we were smoking so after 50 minutes we headed outside for a walk. We toured the red light district, inquiring about the possibility of triple penetration, which had to be mimed due to the prostitute not understanding. Also negotiated was for one to fuck, two to watch and wank. We then walked down to Leidseplein, went on a small zipwire, and headed home via Rembrandtplein and the RLD.
Got up, checked out, chored internet at the Apple store until they disconnected us, then after a last spliff boarded the train to Bern, Switzerland.
We took an initial four-hour train to Frankfurt, the first 2 hours of which passed in a blissful haze induced by the “Northern Lights” strain. At Frankfurt we boarded an absolutely packed train, and failing to find a seat we sat on the floor outside some 1st-class cabins. We passed three hours like this, with the weather getting noticeably warmer with each stop as we headed South. We managed to nab our own cabin at Basel, and enjoyed an air-conditioned half-hour before the ticket man kicked us into 2nd class.
Eventually the train reached the Swiss capital, and as we approached the station our moods grew increasingly sombre as we saw seemingly endless factories and graffitied houses. We stepped off the train, onto a dank platform and our first view of the city was so unpleasant we started to wonder what we had done to deserve this.
Eventually we found our way to a nice part of town and the impressive Parliament building with a beautiful view over the city. After a Maccy D’s, and Gian and Arby getting caught in the women’s bathroom, we headed down to the river to sleep rough on only our 3rd night in Europe. We each took a 2-hour watch from 12-6, although there wasn’t much sleep to be had, woke up at 6 by the river, not a bad place to wake up, went to station but train to Milan was full, headed back to Parliament building to sleep on a bench, Arby met a man called Boris, who was drinking and smoking at 9am, also played rugby for Switzerland. Back to station for train to Milan.
The train was fucking hot but passed through some amazing mountainous landscapes and gorges. Eventually hit Milan which was also a complete shithole.
Took a taxi to our hostel which was 6km from the city centre, in a quiet, somewhat scummy neighbourhood. Climbed a small hill, went to Carrefour and a pizza place before getting a relatively early night.
We made the trek to the city centre in the morning, and saw the stunning Duomo, the city’s centrepiece. Splashed our feet in a fountain. The street vendors were cunts. After lunch, went to look for a Carrefour for food and booze but as the solitary cunt there rudely intoned, the store was shut due to inventory.
We made our way back into town and stocked up at a supermarket that was far closer to the centre, including 70cl of Smirnoff vodka for 6 euros. Arrived at the Piazza and even three-and-a-half hours before kick-off, there were hundreds of fans chanting and blowing their horns. We claimed our place and began the wait. The crowd slowly grew until the huge square was filled in its entirety (reportedly 60,000 people), and the combination of Italian flags, flares and air horns created a fervent atmosphere. As kick-off approached we somehow found ourselves next to the ultras (also cunts), who were entertaining themselves by smashing glass bottles and slapping each other. Flash bangs went off with increasing regularity, we got singed by a flare, and began to legitimately fear for our safety. Thankfully the game kicked off and the crowd settled down a bit. There was fantastic noise until the first goal went in. The masses soon regained their voices although the second goal before half-time put Italy right on the brink and the crowd knew it. More out of hope than expectation the 2nd half kicked off to a great roar, but it just got worse as Motta got injured with Italy having used all 3 of their subs. The crowds thinned after the 3rd goal but having travelled 2 days to get here there was really no point in us leaving early. The square was almost overflowing with litter as we left and eventually hailed a taxi to take us home.
Milan to Munich
Really nice scenery, seats which folded to make beds, having a nice conversation when rudely interrupted by thuggish German border police. Arrived in Munich around 9.
Put our stuff in lockers, went into town, nice place, got a kebab, got a beer in Hofbrauhaus, chored the glass! Slept rough at the train station.
Woken up at 5am by security, manage to smash Limoncello, wait for three hours, go to supermarket, board train, own carriage for 6-hour journey. As we arrive, Prague looks like the biggest shithole yet.
Walk to hostel, staff are really friendly, room is huge even with 13 beds. Find out it’s legal to possess pretty much any drug and the helpful man at reception marks a bar where we can find a dealer. We strike out for the “Chapeau Rouge”, stopping at military and sex shops along the way.
Taking shelter from the rain in an arcade we stumble upon a store selling Duff beer, it’s expensive but definitely worth it for the novelty. Go to Chapeau Rouge and a big guy loitering by the toilets sells us 4g of weed for about £9 a gram. We head back and while rolling talk to a guy called Will from Birmingham uni. He stays with us as we smoke it and seems to be disappointed not to be enjoying some free weed.
The blunt’s barely finished when the effects start to kick in, we head down to the dungeon. Arby puts some incredibly slow, weedy music on. I feel elated and can’t stop laughing, Chimp can’t stop fidgeting and eventually becomes quite panicked. Arby mongs for the most part and is a million miles away although does dance for quite a bit. 4 guys from California come down and make friendly conversation, but friendly conversation is beyond any of us at the moment. Eventually we climb back up to our room and crash.
We wake the next day and head into town, seeing a little bit before heading across the river to the North. We climb and walk through a park, stopping for a steak sandwich from a friendly barbecue guy. We walk to the Metronome which has stunning views over the city. We make a quick stop by Sparta Prague’s stadium before walking back into town, along an incredibly expensive street, for a 3-hour walking tour. It’s interesting and after we take 2 Russians back to the hostel to sell them some weed, making us drug dealers.
We go out for a 4th of July pub crawl, starting with a 2-hour all-you-can-eat and open bar. Needless to say we take full advantage of this by stuffing as much food and alcohol down our gullets as physically possible, totally ignoring the other people there. We get caught ‘stealing’ beers from the open bar by the angry owner (who got even more annoyed when he discovered the beers were warm), meet a racist redneck having a piss, and Arby smashes a glass bottle on the ground before spewing a red, wing-filled chunder. Gian and Arby go home soon after, leaving me on my larry and very drunk. I dance with a Dutch girl but head home fairly early. It later transpires that Arby had sold 2g of weed to some Spanish guys in our room, while Chimp vandalised a bus stop by throwing a rock at it, shattering an advertising board.
Again we rise and walk into town, this time across the Charles Bridge, which is packed, and there seem to be fit girls everywhere I look. Maybe it’s the not wanking. Anyway we meant to walk up to the castle but instead get sidetracked, meeting an Algerian man, buying a comically fat cigar, and then we hit an Absintherie. We also smoke a doobie, and pass a considerable but very pleasant length of time just monging. We buy a CD of the music they were playing as they had some sick mixes although I wonder if it will sound good when not stoned.
Eventually we re-emerge out into the sunshine and it’s not long before I manage to drop my phone over a high wall into some stinging nettles. I don’t trust myself to jump in my weedy state so have to walk a long way around, climb over a high, wobbly gate and sneak round into someone’s garden but I get the phone. Finally we wind up at the castle which has a number of impressive squares and buildings, not least the cathedral, and doubles as a great viewpoint over Prague.
We head back down into town, still weedy and very tired as we have walked a LOT today. It takes a while but we make it home and sleep for an hour. After this Arby and me shower and meet two Australian guys who grow their own weed and are the biggest potheads I’ve ever met, knowing seemingly every strain in Amsterdam, claiming to smoke 14g a day, and sharing a lot of their substancias with us. We decide to go to Karlovy Lazne, Prague’s ‘superclub’ with five floors. I only locate 4 but I’m just so stoned it doesn’t take me long to lose the others at which point I spend the next 2 hours sitting dazedly on a balcony watching the old, suicidal-looking DJ and the dancers below. I could swear that most Czechs cannot dance. At 3am I leave and take a scenic route home, returning at 4.
Prague to Krakow
Take a morning train into Poland before changing to a Communist-era sweatbox in Katowice. The toilet is just a pipe down to the ground. Krak looks even worse than the other shitholes we’ve visited but it’s actually quite pretty around the centre.
We ask for directions and the guy actually walks us to our hostel which gives a nice first impression of Poland. The hostel is in a good location about 10 minutes walk from the city centre and we’ve got a private room for 9 euros a night, not too shabby. Only problem is the sweltering heat 24/7, just lying on the bed leaves a film of sweat all over you. We check out the main square where there’s some strange werewolf-based performance going on, and eat a good quality Italian meal, plus drinks, for about £6. We meander round the square and back to the hostel.
We get up and head to the bus station to visit Auschwitz, but the hostel has given us the wrong location so we spend 30 minutes searching fruitlessly. When we eventually reach the station we buy our tickets. But when we head downstairs to our bus 5 minutes before departure, it’s already packed full, and leaves. After an unsuccessful complaint at the desk we resign ourselves to waiting half an hour for the next one, which we have to negotiate our way onto.
Auschwitz itself is a moving experience. First we visit Birkenau because the main museum is free after 3pm. It is strange imagining the Nazi soldiers would have herded prisoners around on this very ground. But the best part is the main museum. It explained to us the history of how Poland was brutally occupied in WW2; you walked round an incineration chamber and shooting wall; and there was a corridor maybe 10m long where the walls on either side were piled high with thousands and thousands of pairs of shoes belonging to prisoners. This experience gave a horrible sense of the magnitude and severity of the Nazi regime which left us feeling numb and sorrowful, almost stoned as well. It was a powerful feeling.
The mood lifted as we returned to the Krak and marvelled at 500ml, 9% beer for about 40p. Ridiculous. We make a belated decision to go out, and after Arby has to change out of his shorts, which apparently is the hip thing to wear in London, but not Krakow, we go to a club called Coco. There are a fair few girls, and we don’t scare anyone off which is good, but at the same time I’m unable to actually approach any for a dance, and by 3am I’ve probably missed 2 or 3 good opportunities. Arby pulls for a bit. Right at the end, I somewhat desperately try latching on to a girl and am immediately rejected. Oops. I slink home.
It’s a late start to our 2nd day in Poland, and after breakfast we head into town. Chimp is really upset because we laugh at some of the things he says and doesn’t really talk to us. But we thaw out after a couple of hours as we head to the castle which has some nice views over the city. And the restaurant there has good meals for £3 which, considering this is a major tourist attraction, is just amazing. We return to the hostel for a bit then go back to the castle for tea but it’s closed, so we settle on KFC which is only £3.50 for a filling meal. Unfortunately it starts to rain so instead of frolicking in the fountains we make our way back. Everyone’s tired so there’s no complaint about the early night. Anyway we have an early train to catch.
Krakow to Budapest
We awake and half five and check out. We arrive at the station only to find our train doesn’t seem to exist and have to catch a slightly later one which luckily manages to make it in time for our connection. In total we spend 9 hours on the train and it’s 6pm by the time we reach our hostel.
The last leg of my journey we wander around and down to the stunning riverside which is brimming with bridges and landmarks. But Gian is pining over Satya and Arby over the receptionist in Krakow so both are basically suicidal. We’re also all so very tired so we grab some grub before an early night. I only have two more full days at this point so I’m really looking to frolic and enjoy them. Instead we listen to James Blunt’s moving debut album Back to Bedlam in its’ entirety in the dark and cry ourselves to sleep.
We have a lie-in to help recover and so get up at 12, before going on a walking tour which is pretty informative and takes us up to the castle with a great view over the Pest side of the city. By sheer coincidence we are on the same tour as some girls we sat next to on the train, and we just about manage to recognize them although we’re not sure. We run without tipping and head back to the hostel. But on the way back we see some small kids playing footy so ask to join in. The next hour passes in a blissful, sweaty blur or gypsy football and dancing, although we always keep one eye on our belongings.
We bid farewell to the gypsies and make our way back. After a shower we get tea and a £1 bottle of wine but it has a cork so we have to go get my Swiss army knife. We hear some girls pre-lashing in the kitchen and they turn out to be the 4 most up for it girls we’ve ever met. Arby and Gian’s plan for a light night goes out the window as we are pressured into buying more beer and get served a lot of Frutsch in reception. The girls are nice and friendly and it quickly becomes apparent that we can go as far as we want to with these girls, who are Irish. Gian pimps out the one with a boyfriend who kisses me and Arb. I get with one of them, but while taking a short break to look after Gian, who by this point is well and truly bladdered, she starts crying which is like a herbicide to our blossoming relationship. To this day I still don’t know what set her off. Meanwhile Arby, who on his birthday has shotgunned the fittest one, gets his willy wet (and also bloody).The plan to go to a boat party never materialises as we don’t even make it 100m from the hostel. Classic night.
We wake on what is my last full day of the trip and walk over to Heroes Square, along the Andrassy Avenue, the “Hungarian Champs-Elysees”. The square has a tower reminiscent of Trafalgar Square but this one is surrounded by 7 guys on horses. We sit for a while and watch a dude who is amazing on his BMX.
After that we head into the park and after inquiring about renting a little car go for a cheaper boat instead and row that for half an hour. We walk back along Andrassy and through the Jewish district, past the 2nd biggest synagogue in the world. I’m really tired at this point so spend 2 hours resting. We see the gypsy kids again and then go out for some Goulash in a nice restaurant. We go get some wine and on the way back a Libyan guy starts talking to us, who also happens to be a drug dealer so Arby buys a gram of weed off him, it’s a small gram to say the least but Arby still smokes it all. We get on it in the kitchen with some Belgians, Irish lads and eventually the Irish girls too, before a guy from the hostel, Valentin, leads us to a club which is quite big. Then purely by coincidence we see the Dutch girls, who also happen to know the Irish girls. It’s just such a coincidence! Dance for a bit and then head home.
I’m saddened to wake on my last day, but at the same time I’m happy with the adventure and memories from the last 15 days. We check out of the hostel, and walk over to Gellert Hill which admittedly I did underestimate the size of, it takes a while to reach the summit with the statue and I’m sweating. I don’t spend very long at the top but we get a photo, and then since I’m in a bit of rush we say our goodbyes right there as I make my way down through the woods, and as I head back to the hostel I get that familiar feeling of something coming to an end.
I end up being really early for my flight but the airport is very nice and modern. Back in England, I catch the coach to London, then to Cheltenham. I walk home from Royal Well and my adventure is officially over at 3am. It hasn’t exactly been relaxing but it has been an incredible experience, full of substances, history, new people, and just general life. I feel like I’ve got to know not only the world but also the human condition a lot better, which I would say is priceless.
This is the rawest video y’all ever seen.
He is off the motherfucking chain.
A lot of crazy shit has gone down at The Rodent’s humble abode over the past few years.
Most recently was the pleasant night in fuelled by LSD.
I recently came across these photos that I completely forgot about from one of The Rodent’s soirées filled with respectable and decent people.
In the early afternoon, we all made our way to The Rodent’s basement for a final soirée before we went to Europe for a month. The Rodent quickly brought out a grotesque gimp mask which piqued our curiosity into what he was up to in his free time but luckily the dirty item was not his and it was given to him by a freaky motherfucker called Jamie Roser. Awk was surprisingly interested in this mask and tried it out. Unfortunately, we did not have the key that locked the gag in place so the pleasure was not at it’s maximum for him. We then decided to take this toy out to as a functional accessory.
Kitted out in the mask and a bicycle, Awk was ready to show the world the real him. We got to the park across the road and decided to have a football match seeing as we are a respectable team that had our own fresh kit. It boiled down to penalties and to up the stakes, it was decided that the losing keeper would have to be urinated on (well near enough that the spray hit them). Unfortunately, I was our keeper that day due to the fact I am a lazy ass shit and couldn’t be bothered to run around outfield. However, my opposition was The High Commissioner that had no hope in goal due to the fact he dons a watch on his ankle, is a raging alcoholic and a chain smoker (a bottle of High Commissioner whisky never left his hand that night and he finished a whole spliff in one toke) so I had the honour to urinate on him.
The night progressed as we all started consuming hefty amounts of alcohol (we even got that shit wholesale in bulk) and soft narcotics. Awk decided that he wanted to shave his head so I had the pleasure of doing that on the condition that I would do the same on myself which I did in Amsterdam. For those that do not know Awk, him drinking is a bad idea. Nothing good has ever come out of it so he was out of control and went ape after he realised what a bad idea it was to have his head shaved, also when he noticed we drew numerous swastikas on his dome.
To release some anger, he had a very homosexual wrestle with The Spy that lasted for a substantial amount of time and tried to shave The Prison Booty’s head. Awk cornered her and promised that he wouldn’t shave her head but if he did, he would allow her to knock him out. Fortunately, we were able to convince him to do something else so his attention was no longer on shaving people. This was needed as he is the type of person that is willing to get knocked the fuck out for something like that. He finally calmed down when The Chimp brought the bong down and we started lighting up. The Rodent was so fucked at this point that he allowed us to smoke inside the house.
When Awk sobered up in the morning, reality hit him and he saw that he looked like an Eastern European thug. His poor mother cried when she saw him. So what did he do when feeling low? He went to the pub and when we met him there, he had already drained 10 pints. Despite the huge amount of alcohol and not to mention the insane amount of liquid inside him, he was completely sober. This is what we mean when we say no good can possibly come out of him drinking.
Friday 14 September was the last day my friends and I would see each other in our hometown before we all went back to uni. As The Rodent had a free house, he kindly invited The Chimp, Awk and me over to have a fun day filled with activities. The Chimp went off to see his girlfriend (herb behaviour) saying that he might come back later (but we all knew this was not true).
Our first idea was to throw a huge party fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and drugs but The Rodent refused to have anything other than MDMA or some lowly class c gang banger substance. At first we obliged to this rule and went forward with inviting a large number of people. However, Awk and I were craving for some high class narcotics such as LSD but The Rodent continued to (rightfully) refuse our ideas. This did not fly with Awk and I so The Rodent came up with the ultimatum that either we have the party with only MDMA or meth at a push or no party and a quiet night of LSD. We went with the latter.
As we had all agreed on this, there was still a party that was officially going on at The Rodent’s house so to let all those invited know that it was cancelled, Awk simply deleted the event with no explanation whatsoever except two words - “radio silence”. After we had let everyone know there was a change of plan we proceeded to make a few calls to get our hands on the stuff. Numerous calls were made as it seemed quite tricky to obtain the substance and this one guy kept trying to push his product that, “fucked you up but your mind is perfectly fine”. We wanted something that would fuck our mind, body and soul so we kept pushing for the LSD.
Finally, we got the call from a guy that told us to meet us at the park around 8pm. We got there using The Rodent’s fine ass bikes but the fucker wasn’t there as he had some distribution issues. We waited for about another hour, taking advantage of the children’s playground when we finally got the call. He met us and showed us the stuff. You really can’t tell if the shit is legit until you try it so we raced back to the The Rodent’s basement and took two hits each.
To pass the time it took to kick in, we started playing Fifa but soon I was feeling the effects, I was getting all clammy and I could no longer make rational decisions in the game (I threw the ball straight out of play when the goalie picked it up). Awk was the next to go when he started sweating and could not comprehend what was happening when The Rodent reversed the playback so it looked like everything was going backwards (I was out of hand by now and went ape).
We decided to just watch TV then and listen to some music on The Rodent’s laptop. Die Another Day was on and all I can say about that film is it fucks with your mind intensely when on acid, everything kept repeating itself and Rosamund Pike is too arousing in that film. Awk was telling me that he saw the full on photos of Kate Middleton earlier that day and that I should check it out so I went on a search on the internet. As well as finding the photos, I noticed a link on the dodgy website that advertised a video of a beheading. Intrigued, I clicked on it and it took us to a page that showed the fucking disturbing video. We saw a man getting his head taken off with a chainsaw and there was no denying it was legit, the guy getting put down with a chainsaw had a guy next to him tied up as well but they hacked his head off with a knife. Apparently, it was a drug cartel video that showed what happened to snitches.
I cried tears at this point and my nose was running. I didn’t want to watch anymore but The Rodent insisted on watching the whole video on his own with the screen faced away from us as he found it “intriguing”.
We tried to get our minds off the horrifying video we just saw by watching the Kim Kardashian sex tape but it didn’t really help because firstly, Ray J is a jackass that wasn’t doing a good job at laying pipe, concentrating more on making weak comments at the camera rather than satisfying that fine ass girl and secondly, Kim’s moans were extremely fake.
Unfortunately, this was also around the time my mother decided to call as I had forgot to tell her I was staying over the night so she was wondering where I was. I chose not to answer as I thought it would be a very bad idea in my state of mind. However, I knew that I had to call her and say where I was. I stumbled into the kitchen upstairs and sat on a chair looking at the floor moving around me. I tried to maintain my breathing and proceeded to call my mother, I kept my speaking to a minimum so it just seemed like I was in bed and it completely worked. Little did she know I was tripping the fuck out of my mind and I thought I had turned orange. However, she did remind me that I had to cover someone at work for lunch which I totally forgot.
I knew now that I had to try and get some rest otherwise I would be in no physical or mental state to work. I really needed to calm the fuck down and The Rodent took me outside to get some fresh air (he seemed to be the most sane and rational out of us at this point).
I started getting paranoid and believed he hadn’t taken anything so he was going to take advantage of us (I feared that he might try some drug cartel shit) but I slowly remembered that I actually saw him place the tabs on his tongue so I relaxed a little. He then showed me to a small study room with a mattress in the floor so I could get some rest and I carried on hallucinating for the next 7 hours whilst not getting any sleep at all.
My mind was constantly playing Kanye West’s Cruel Summer album with an array of vivid sharp colours and memories. I was starting to worry if I would ever become normal again.
By 10am I had started to gain a more stable mind minus one small scare when I looked into the mirror and saw a huge ass spider on my back, luckily it turned out to be a real spider and I decapitated it with one flick.
Awk’s reaction in the morning was that he felt dumb and dropped several IQ points.
After our night on acid, we all agreed on one thing - that our brains had deteriorated.
Apologies for my lack of posting as my days are so busy now getting stuff prepared for next year and working.
If you haven’t seen already, I have updated a lot of my posts from my travels with pictures and I edited some awful iPhone autocorrects.
I will keep on getting more photos out when I have the time.
7 hour journey to Sicily on a train filled with reenactments of Terry Tibbs’ Come Dine With Me episode.
The train actually went onto the ferry to Sicily and I got a huge arrancita.
Arrived at The Chimp’s house in the countryside at 11pm.
Got up early to catch a train to Sorrento and then a bus to all the towns on the coast.
There’s not much to say about this because it’s just such a beautiful place.
I think I broke the beach etiquette though by swimming in boxers.
We were shattered when we got back at night so we had dinner at a pizzeria and went to bed.